A Friend’s Faith Journey

Recently I had lunch with some classmates and friends from college. The last time I had seen one of them a few years ago, he had talked about his faith crisis at that time. So at the recent lunch I asked where his journey had taken him, if he was comfortable talking about it. He excitedly talked of how his faith had been rekindled and of how he had recently been rebaptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He talked movingly about how the decision to return was prompted because of how much he needed and wanted God in his life. With his permission, I share his story as he shared it online in March 2019.

Well, I’ve decided to take the necessary steps to get rebaptized. If you are interested in knowing more about my story and my current views, I invite you to read the synopsis below. Many of us have gone through serious faith transitions. If my thoughts might be helpful, I am sharing them.

The seeds of doubt first started to sink in when I read Grant Palmer’s book, “An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins.” After that, I became deeply concerned about Church history and the inaccurate narratives I had grown up believing. I spent years reading and listening to very intelligent, thoughtful materials that created deep cynicism in me about the foundational truth claims of the LDS Church, including, without limitation, Todd Compton’s book (In Sacred Loneliness), Fawn Brodie’s book (No Man Knows My History), Jeremy Runnells’ works (The CES Letter, and its updated version), dozens of Mormon Stories Podcasts hosted by John Dehlin, and books by Denver Snuffer. I felt compelled, even obsessed, with discovering “the truth.” I read just about everything there is to be read about the troubling aspects of Church History (polygamy, blacks in the priesthood, the Book of Abraham, Section 132, Book of Mormon historicity and “face in the hat” translation, missing DNA evidence, and the different accounts of the First Vision, just to name a few).

I was 36 years old when this process started. At that time, I was a High Priest. I had served a very faithful mission; and I had diligently served in many callings in the Church (Elder’s Quorum President; Young Men’s President; Stake High Council; etc.).

I am a lawyer by training and profession. Over the last 20 years, I’ve taken countless depositions and taken many cases all the way through trial in state and federal courts. For a living, I have become skilled in pointing out inconsistencies, calling into question people’s truthfulness, and determining what evidence is credible (and what isn’t). I am good at exposing the lies and half-truths of people involved in litigation. That, in part, is why so many of the above-referenced materials about church history resonated with me and my analytical mind.

I went through a variety of emotional and intellectual reactions to these materials: shock, disbelief, anger, feelings of betrayal, sadness, and dismay. At one point, I was so bothered by it all that I considered paying for a large billboard to be placed at a busy intersection stating something like “Have you read the CES Letter yet?”

I quickly learned that most of the active LDS members in my sphere of influence simply did not want to read the materials I was reading, or learn the information I was learning. They preferred to stay ignorant (as I saw it), and did not want to learn things that might disrupt their lives or cause them to consider the unthinkable.

But I also had some friends and acquaintances who were going through the same process I was, and we would often discuss the information we were learning and compare notes about our so-called “faith crisis.” It was a coping mechanism, if nothing else, to talk about our discoveries and concerns together.

I’m now 48 years old. My life has gone through dramatic changes during the last 12 years, including inactivity in the Church, many sins, divorce, remarriage, and excommunication.

During the last 12 years, I acquired a taste for alcohol and coffee, but I have come to realize that the enjoyable aspects of those substances are not worth the after-effects they cause me (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually).

I’ve also learned that in my life, reading and thinking about the materials and Church issues I’ve described does not bring me peace, joy, satisfaction, or happiness. To the contrary, they have caused feelings of frustration, anger, negativity, cynicism, and even despair. They are not uplifting or positive. For me, they led to an endless downward spiral of doubts and spiritual darkness.

Over a year ago, I decided I wanted to confess my sins to my Bishop and start the repentance process. That process resulted in my excommunication from the LDS Church.

My 1-year excommunication period is now over. During the last several months, I have felt renewed spiritual feelings of faith and hope. I have read and pondered faith-promoting materials and scriptures. I have recognized that my life is in need of spiritual rebirth. I have missed the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and I long to get it back.

I have felt a desire in my heart to be re-baptized, and enter into a new covenant with the Lord to serve Him and keep His commandments. I want and need His influence more fully in my life.

Robert Millet’s book, “Whatever Happened to Faith?” has helped me focus more on having faith, and not letting my intellectual mind (natural man) dominate my views. I have realized that faith, even in the face of well-founded concerns about Church history, can take root and grow. The Apostle Paul said it best – God reveals the deep things of God by His Spirit. God teaches “not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual. The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him; neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Corinthians 2: 10-14.

After everything I have experienced over the last 12 years, I have come away with a few foundational truths of my own: truths that I believe and hold firmly. They include, first and foremost, that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. I have felt the effects of his Atonement in my life. I have felt the burdens of sin lifted from my Soul because of Him. Without Him, those burdens of sin would remain in place. I don’t understand the science or technicalities of how the Atonement works, but I know that it does.

Second, I know that I feel more happiness and fulfillment when I serve people in need, when I help people solve problems, when I show kindness to others. When opportunities arise to be kind or help someone in need, I always feel better when I step up and help out rather than being selfish and turning away. Christ taught this to us, and it is true.

I also believe the LDS Church offers a good structure for serving others, learning about Jesus Christ, and building faith and testimony. I have never felt any interest in joining any other church or religion. I believe many leaders of the LDS Church are truly inspired by God.

I also believe that mistakes have been made at many levels of the Church at various times. Humans are imperfect. We make mistakes, and sometimes confuse our own emotions and biases with God’s truths. The LDS Church even acknowledges that it has made mistakes (just read the Church Essays on topics such as blacks and the priesthood). Except for the Book of Mormon, which I believe is an inspired book of scripture, I’ll probably never have an accurate understanding of what actions and products of Joseph Smith were truly inspired and directed by God, and which ones weren’t. But I can still accept that he was a prophet of God. There have been times in my own life, on my mission and in various callings, when I have felt direct revelation from God, and yet I have gone on later to commit sins, to falter in my faith, and suffer significant confusion and chaos in my life. Just because we have been instruments in God’s hands at one point (like I was on my mission, and like Joseph Smith was in producing the Book of Mormon) does not mean we are immune from err thereafter. Consider the story of King David as another example of this.

There are questions I do not (and may never) have answers to. There are questions even the top leaders of the Church struggle to deal with and cannot answer well. But I’m willing to have faith that those things that don’t make sense to us now, and those questions which don’t have good answers now, will eventually be resolved by the Savior. He walked on water, restored sight to the blind, raised the dead, fed the multitudes with only 5 loaves and 2 fish, and performed other miracles. None of those miracles can be explained by science or evidence. The laws of physics, as known by the natural man, cannot explain them. But I believe they happened, and I have faith that in the end, He who performed such miracles can and will make things right, ultimately resolving all doubts and concerns. I don’t need answers to the troubling aspects of Church history to know that my life is better with the Spirit of God in it. And when I was consumed with the troubling aspects of Church history, and committing sins, the Spirit of God was not present in my life.

For these reasons, I want to be baptized and once again be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I want to receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. And I want to foster and protect my relationship with both the Savior and the Holy Ghost by recommitting myself to obey the commandments. I want the burdens of sin to be fully washed away from my soul. I want and need the influence of the Holy Ghost to be more present in my life. It will help me to be a better husband, father, friend, and person.

I am incredibly fortunate to be married now to a wonderful woman. My wife is kind, wise, affectionate, beautiful, fun, and good to me. If my best assurance to be with her forever is to be sealed to her in the Temple, I want to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I love her and want to be with her always.

I’m excited to see where this path of spiritual rebirth takes me.

Online Resources, October 2013

Following are links to online materials I have come across recently related to Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon:

-“The Prophet Joseph Smith,” an address given by Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve at Brigham Young University-Idaho 24 September 2013. In part, he discusses how we should approach the study of church history. video text podcast

-“Behind the Extraditions: Joseph Smith, the Man and the Prophet,” an address given 23 September 2013 by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve in Nauvoo, Illinois. transcript publicity

–Podcast of interview with Gerrit J. Dirkmaat, a coeditor of the forthcoming Documents, Volume 1, of The Joseph Smith Papers; interview by Kirk Caudle of the Maxwell Institute at Brigham Young University.

-Three lectures, about two hours in length each, given in early 2013 by Royal Skousen, professor of linguistics and English language at Brigham Young University and editor of the Book of Mormon Critical Text Project.

26 February 2013
“The Original and Printer’s Manuscripts”

5 March 2013
“The Printed Editions”

12 March 2013
“The Nature of the Original Text”

Influential Mormon Books

In 1990, Curt Bench (owner of Benchmark Books in Salt Lake City) produced an article titled “Fifty Important Mormon Books” (Sunstone, Oct. 1990). His attempt was to identify the fifty works that had had the most “significant influence on Mormon culture or the LDS church.” In an attempt to analyze the matter objectively, he considered, to the extent data was available, sales figures, area of distribution, size of the church at the time of publication, subsequent use of the publication within the church, and the length of time the books have remained in print or the demand for them if they were out of print. He also polled three dozen people who had “distinguished themselves in Mormon history or literature.” Nevertheless, he admitted his selection process was subjective.

Bench did not attempt to list all fifty books in order of importance or influence but instead grouped the “winners” into categories, with the books in those categories arranged chronologically. I will not reproduce his entire list here but do want to list the major categories he used and the earliest three books within each category, to give a flavor for his study.

History and Biography

-Lucy Mack Smith, Biographical Sketches of Joseph Smith the Prophet . . . [other versions available under other titles too]
-Parley P. Pratt, Autobiography . . .
-Joseph Smith, History of the Church . . .

Doctrine and Theology

-Parley P. Pratt, A Voice of Warning . . .
-Orson Spencer, Letters Exhibiting the Most Prominent Doctrines . . .
-Orson Pratt, A Series of Pamphlets, by Orson Pratt

Literature

–Hymns [various editions from 1835 on]
-Eliza R. Snow, Poems, Religious, Historical, and Political
-Nephi Anderson, Added Upon. A Story

Anti-Mormon

-Eber D. Howe, Mormonism Unvailed
-John C. Bennett, The History of the Saints . . .
-Maria Ward (pseud.), Female Life among the Mormons

Books by Sympathetic Non-Mormon Authors

-Thomas L. Kane, The Mormons
-John W. Gunnison, The Mormons, or, Latter-day Saints
-Richard F. Burton, The City of the Saints . . .

Because Bench was attempting to analyze what works had been influential historically, and because Bench was deeply familiar with Mormon historiography and bibliography, his study yielded a significant number of titles that I think most modern Mormons (aside from those in the historian class) have never heard of, much less read. Of course, that doesn’t mean the books weren’t or aren’t influential–they have an influence we often may not perceive, since they influenced earlier generations or better-known publications or key influencers who then disseminated perspectives more widely.

Another author produced an updated study two decades later that ended up focusing on books better known by average Mormons today. I will take up this later study in another posting. Cliffhanger! In the meantime, consider in our own minds what Mormon books (outside of the scriptures) have most influenced you.

Review (of Sorts): Joseph Smith Videos on Church History Website

This is a review, of sorts, of the videos on Joseph Smith recently added to the “Prophets of the Restoration” feature on the Church History Department’s website, history.lds.org. Assisting me in the review were several of my children, the oldest of whom is eight.

Approximately ten videos, of about a minute and a half each on average, have been prepared and posted for each of the sixteen men who have held the office of president and prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It appears that for each prophet, the videos are divided into four categories: one video on some aspect of the prophet’s “testimony”; about three videos on some aspect of “preparation” for the calling as prophet; about three videos on the “ministry” of the prophet; and about three videos on the “teachings” of the prophet.

The video portion of the Joseph Smith videos appears to have been taken primarily from prior church videos, especially Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration (with Nathan Mitchell as the adult Joseph Smith and Katherine Thompson as Emma Smith), which debuted in 2005 in the Legacy Theater of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building on Temple Square and continues to play there. It is also available online. Much of the audio content of the ten Joseph Smith videos is provided by voiceover, either of a narrator or of the actor portraying Joseph Smith.

The favorite Joseph Smith videos of the child reviewers were those on family life and on Joseph’s trials. The reasons given for preferring these two were that they had a lot of “action” (as opposed to a mostly still image of someone standing there reading or talking). The children were actually taken aback that some of the videos did not have much “action.” In their minds, “video” means “action,” which can be expressed mathematically as V=A. The children were also touched by seeing Joseph’s suffering in the second of the two videos mentioned.

Some of the children’s reactions were unexpected, as when they giggled both times the well-known oil portrait of Joseph Smith was shown (this one). Apparently they had not seen it before and thought it looked “weird.” I did not take the time to explain that the oil portrait was actually painted in his lifetime and so is probably a more accurate rendition than most of the ones they are used to seeing. After watching the video about the coming forth of the Book of Mormon, the children said they wished it had shown “the angel,” a reminder to me that children readily accept the supernatural with none of the reservations adults sometimes have.

For my part, I most enjoyed the video on the First Vision, which was borrowed primarily from the Prophet of the Restoration. I think the movie’s producers did a nice job of casting a youthful-looking actor for the teenage Joseph Smith and that the actor (Nick Whitaker) well portrayed a sense of being awestruck by what he experienced. (Regarding this video one of the child reviewers commented: “I think the part was cool where it showed Satan trying to stop him, even though I know we’re not supposed to think that’s cool.”)

These videos will be helpful to a whole variety of folks wanting to learn more about church history and the presidents of the church from the comfort of their own Internet connections. The videos could also be used for family nights or in Sunday lessons. Those who produced the videos should be commended for making this valuable resource available.

By way of mild criticism, I noticed that in the video about Joseph’s teachings on the Book of Mormon, at least three characters are shown reading the last few pages of the Book of Mormon with a sense of satisfaction on their faces. To me this tends to create an expectation that one cannot obtain a testimony of the book until she or he has read the entire thing. In my own experience, I had obtained a testimony, or as much of one as I was going to get for a while, well before I got to the end, and I was almost mocking God to pray for a testimony after concluding the volume because I knew I already had one.

I also want to express my wish that someday someone will produce a feature-length film about Joseph Smith that portrays his life in greater complexity. Necessarily the church-produced videos focus on certain faith-promoting aspects of his life. I think perhaps seeing some of his weaknesses or some of the difficult aspects of the history portrayed on film might help prepare some members for the negative information about Joseph they are inevitably going to encounter on the Internet. I think a full-length film on the Camp of Israel (Zion’s Camp) would be terrific, as would one on the events related to the second attempt by Missouri to extradite Joseph from Illinois.

Presidents of the Church Videos Now Available on Church History Website

The Church History Department has recently made available a series of videos on the life and ministry of each president of the church, from Joseph Smith through President Monson. The series is called “Prophets of the Restoration.” Because my primary interest at the moment is in Joseph Smith, I include a separate link here to the videos about him. I am planning to watch some of the videos with our family in an upcoming family home evening. In fact, these videos can provide material for a number of family nights!

While you are exploring the videos, be sure to also check out some of the articles in the Revelations in Context series, which give detailed historical background about a number of the sections of the Doctrine and Covenants. If you read one of these before your Gospel Doctrine class, you will come across as a real history whiz! My favorite of those I have read so far is probably the one Jed Woodworth wrote on the Word of Wisdom. You may remember that Jed assisted Richard Bushman with the research and writing of Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling.